5 things to do when you or your child is experiencing domestic abuse

If someone in your home is experiencing domestic abuse; that means someone hurting, controlling, or frightening you, you deserve safety and support today. Abuse can look like harsh words that never stop, tracking your phone, isolating you from friends, or physical harm. It can also appear calm to outsiders, which can make you question your reality. You are not overreacting. You are noticing a problem that needs care.

The goal is not to plan your entire future in one night. It is to take one step that increases safety for you and your child, then the next. The ideas below are practical and trauma-informed. Use what fits, skip what does not, and trust your judgment.

1. Make a personal safety plan for today and tonight

Decide what you will do if an argument escalates. Choose a safer room with an exit, identify a neighbor you can go to, and create a simple code word your child can use to signal “we need help.” Pack a small go bag and keep it where you can grab it quickly. Include essential documents, a spare set of keys, basic medications, a prepaid card, and a change of clothes. Share only what you must with your child and keep the plan private. The CDC shares various ways to be proactive in prioritizing safety when experiencing intimate partner domestic abuse.

Try this: Teach your child, “If I say ‘red folder,’ go to the front door and wait.” Practice in a calm moment so it feels familiar if you ever need it.

2. Protect your digital safety if there is domestic abuse

Abusers often use technology to monitor or intimidate. NNEDV’s Safety Net Project offers survivor-centered guidance for protecting digital privacy. Assume your phone, email, or shared devices could be read. Turning off location sharing, changing passwords on a safe device and adding a passcode to your voicemail are all smart strategies to help protect your digital privacy. Consider using a computer at a library or a trusted friend’s phone for sensitive calls. Avoid saving new contacts as “hotline” or “advocate.” Label them as a first name or a neutral business.

Try this: Create a new email that only you know about. Use it to store photos of documents, your safety plan, and notes about incidents. Log out every time and do not sync it to shared devices.

3. Document what is happening in domestic abuse

A clear record can support you if you seek legal protection, medical care, or school accommodations. Keep a simple, factual log with dates, times, and brief descriptions of incidents. Photograph injuries and damaged property with timestamps when possible. Save relevant texts or voicemails. Store copies in a safe place outside the home or in a secure cloud folder you can access elsewhere.

Try this: Use a note template that repeats: “Date, time, where, what happened, witnesses, how I or my child was affected.” Keep entries short. Facts serve you better than long narratives.

4. Build a safe, quiet circle of support

Choose one or two trusted adults who will believe you, keep your confidence, and help with rides, childcare, or a couch if you need space during domestic abuse. Let your child’s pediatrician, therapist, or school counselor know there are safety concerns, *only if it is safe to do so. Ask about trauma-informed supports, flexible attendance, and who is allowed to pick up your child. BEFORE you speak to a professional, ask about confidentiality and mandatory reporting.

Try this: Text a simple script to a trusted person: “Things are not safe at home. If I send ‘check on me,’ please call me. If I do not answer, call for a wellness check.”

5. Know your options and your rights

You get to choose the pace. Some parents want help with de-escalation and safety planning while they consider next steps. Others are ready to explore protective orders, emergency shelter, or custody questions. You can ask about these without committing to immediate action. Many communities have advocates who can walk with you through paperwork, court dates, and school changes, and who can help you plan for financial stability and housing.

Try this: Write down three questions you want answered this week, such as “What would a protective order cover,” “How can I change school pickup permissions,” or “Where could we stay for 48 hours if needed.” Quick safety–confidential– 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) Get those answers first, then decide your next step.

How to support your child in the middle of it

Children do not need the full story to feel secure. Both you and your child need a calm plan and consistent care. Keep routines steady where you can. Use simple language: “It is my job to keep us safe. If voices get loud, we follow our plan.” Offer choices your child can control, like which pajamas or which book, to restore a sense of agency.

Notice changes in sleep or behavior, and loop in a pediatrician or therapist *if it is safe to do so. By law–schools, pediatricians and therapists have to report abuse when it’s reported to them, so choose this option with care. It’s out of your hands once the abuse is reported–and the authorities step in. Your steadiness, even in small doses, helps a child’s nervous system–and yours.

You deserve safety

You are allowed to ask for help. You are allowed to change the plan. You are allowed to prioritize peace in your home. Take one step today that increases safety for you and your child, then one more tomorrow. Healing is possible. You do not have to do it alone.

source https://www.mother.ly/abuse-from-partner/domestic-abuse/5-things-to-do-when-you-or-your-child-experience-domestic-abuse/