7 things we wish people would stop saying after miscarriage and loss—what to say instead

In the aftermath of a miscarriage, many of us hear well-meaning words that minimize, fix or rush our grief. People are uncomfortable with pain, so they reach for quick-fix silver-lining sayings, and it hurts! You do not owe anyone a tidy narrative. Your grief deserves time, space and tenderness. If you feel up to it, you can also help the people who love you become better at showing up for you. The suggestions below offer compassionate alternatives they can say, along with short, respectful scripts you can use to guide them.

1. “Everything happens for a reason”

Why it hurts after a miscarriage: It tries to explain the unexplainable. It can make your loss feel like a lesson instead of a devastating reality.

Say this instead: “I am so sorry your baby died. I am here to listen. I will sit with you as long as you need.”

If you want to coach them: “I know you are trying to comfort me. It helps more to hear that you are here and that this is really hard.”

2. “At least you know you can get pregnant”

Why it hurts: It reduces a beloved child to a milestone and glosses over the unique life that was lost. Too, the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists emphasizes that pregnancy loss is traumatic at any gestation, so this is a time when moms especially need sensitivity and emotional support in order to navigate grief, anxiety and depression.

Say this instead: “Your baby’s life matters. If you want to share their name or a memory, I would be honored to hear it.”

If you want to coach them: “I appreciate your hope. What helps most is acknowledging my child and saying their name.”

3. “You can always try again”

Why it hurts: It treats children as replaceable and pushes you toward the future when your heart sits in the present.

Say this instead: “There is no replacing your baby. I am here for today. Would meals, childcare or errands help this week?”

If you want to coach them: “I know you mean well. Right now I need support for this grief, not plans for the next step.”

4. “Time heals all wounds,” brutal after a miscarriage

Why it hurts: It implies that waiting will fix it. Grief changes, but it does not vanish on a schedule and may never go away.

Say this instead: “I know this pain will ebb and flow. I will check in on the hard days, including birthdays and anniversaries.” The American Academy of Pediatrics notes that families need ongoing, compassionate follow-up after a child’s death because grief is prolonged and often resurges around anniversaries and milestones.

If you want to coach them: “I do not need a timeline. What helps is steady support, especially on meaningful dates.”

5. “Be strong”

Why it hurts: It suggests that tears equal weakness and can make you feel like you have to perform resilience. After a miscarriage is not the time to show miscarriage-resilience!

Say this instead: “You do not have to be strong for me. Whatever you feel, I’m with you, I’m here.”

If you want to coach them: “I am letting my feelings out because that is how I heal. Please permit me to be exactly as I am.”

6. “It was God’s plan” or “They are in a better place”

Why it hurts: Faith can comfort, but imposed beliefs can shut down honest emotion or conflict with your own spirituality.

Say this instead: “I do not have the right words, but I care about you and your baby. I am here to love you in whatever way you need.”

If you want to coach them: “I know faith is meaningful to you. Right now, I need presence more than explanations.”

7. “Let me know if you need anything”

Why it hurts: It puts the emotional labor back on the grieving parent, who may not know what they need or how to ask for it. A miscarriage has its own bucket of emotion

Say this instead: “I am bringing dinner on Wednesday at 6:00 pm. I can leave it on the porch. Would you prefer soup or pasta?”
More ideas: offer to pick up groceries, walk the dog, handle school drop-off, make calls, or send a text to remember milestones.

If you want to coach them: “I appreciate the offer. Specific help is easier to accept. Could you take the kids to the park on Sunday morning?”

Your love for your child is permanent and so is your right to grieve in your own way. The people who care about you want to help, even if they do not yet know how. Share these alternatives if it feels right, save your energy when it does not and let your community practice showing up better. Your grief is worthy of tenderness, and your baby’s life is worthy of remembering.

source https://www.mother.ly/getting-pregnant/miscarriage-loss/7-things-we-wish-people-would-stop-saying-after-miscarriage-and-loss-what-to-say-instead/