Is 4 The Magic Number Of Postpartum Years?
The thing about motherhood is that you fully expect it to change you. You know, fundamentally, you will never be the same once you become a mom, and you know that the world will forever feel a little different... in some good ways, in some bad ways. You know that your lifestyle, your sleep, your hobbies — it all takes a hit. But you still can’t prepare yourself for just how those changes happen, and honestly, some of them are so subtle, you don’t even realize how much motherhood has both sharpened and dulled certain parts of you.
Until, apparently, your kid hits age 4.
Look, I’m not a scientist, but I’ve had three kids and talked to enough of my friends with children to know that this is a thing. You’re in the thick of it for 3 to 3.5 years, not counting pregnancy, and then bam — suddenly, you remember yourself. It’s not that you’ve been lost for all that time, and it’s not always that you’ve been battling postpartum depression or struggling with a difficult kid or anything. It’s like you’ve been deactivated a bit. Like you’re on hiatus inside your own body, like you’re not operating as your full self.
And then, like someone turning on a light, there you are.
I felt this full-throttle last summer, when my youngest was just reaching 3.5. It’s not that I felt hollow or like a shell of myself up until that point — I also had a 6-year-old and a 10-year-old — but something shifted in me right around that time. I suddenly had more energy for things I wanted to do, things I’d talked about doing for years but could never get around to. Hobbies seemed worth the work and time I’d have to put into them, daily household tasks felt less overwhelming, and saying “yes” to nearly anything my girls requested felt easier.
Everything just seemed brighter all of a sudden. And as a person who already looked for the best parts of every day, it was almost too much rosy glow. I kept thinking every day that the bottom would fall out and I would feel blah and lackluster the next day.
But the glow just kept glowing.
When I mention it to friends, they’re all in agreement. A mixture of finally having a kid out of diapers, a kid who can actually sleep at night, and a kid who can feed themselves their own yogurt without destroying the kitchen makes for a mom who can see herself again. The tantrums are less debilitating and the naps can be skipped and the meals aren’t thrown to the floor — there’s just a whole family shift when your kid gets close to the age of 4. And because I have three kids, I think the theory only works if your youngest child is reaching the age of 4, but once they do, all bets are off. It’s like everyone in our house is getting the best possible version of me — and experts say it makes total sense.
Stephanie Langsam, a board-certified OB-GYN at Main Line Health and mother of three, tells Scary Mommy that she believes it always takes “at least as long, if not longer, to recover than it did to grow a baby in the first place.” While the “fourth trimester” is a famous label for explaining that foggy, newborn phase new moms find themselves in, three months is just simply not enough time to get yourself back to feeling 100% both mentally and physically. Maybe by then you’ve started to feel “normal” again, but feeling like the person you’ve always been? It can take so much longer.
“For many women, it isn’t until three to four years postpartum — when children become more independent — that they truly feel like they can function fully as a human being again,” says Langsam.
And hey, sometimes it also takes three to four years to finally get yourself some help from postpartum anxiety.
“Recording and treatment of postpartum anxiety peaks six to eight weeks after delivery,” Langsam explains. “Initiation of medication has also increased amongst postpartum patients, as we, the doctors, are better at recognizing it, and patients are less stigmatized and more proactive with their health. Sometimes women stay on medication long-term, which can shorten the duration to feeling back to normal.”
But she warns that anxiety can remain prevalent without significant changes — meaning, if you feel anxious or icky and it’s keeping you from living your life the way you want, it’s most likely not going to dissipate on its own. How many times do we try to explain away our sadness or racing thoughts as hormonal, or caused by breastfeeding, or sleep deprivation? While those things can definitely make you feel less-than-great, you can’t always ignore anxiety. Langsam says solutions like medication or therapy can contribute to a mom finally feeling “normal” three to four years postpartum.
Marissa Zwetow, LMFT, founder of Postpartum Happiness, tells Scary Mommy that those early years of motherhood aren’t just daunting because of all the changes, but because that’s when moms often feel their babies are just as fragile and vulnerable as they are in those moments. It’s hard to give yourself any room to breathe when you’re terrified about what it could mean for your baby. “As baby gets older, they are less needy and can fend for themselves more, and I think moms start to feel better about leaving them with other caretakers,” Zwetow says.
She shares that in her own motherhood journey, she feels like she could’ve prevented or lessened “feeling lost” had she been more prepared with “realistic expectations, and allowed myself to receive more help with childcare.” Motherhood is loaded with so much and from all angles — our village, our social media feeds, our own expectations — and it’s easy to see how we get totally overwhelmed, exhausted, and overstimulated.
Until that baby you were so worried about is reciting entire episodes of Bluey and eating a whole peanut butter and jelly sandwich while you read a book on the couch. Until one day you wake up and your nervous system has righted itself, and you don’t feel an overwhelming pit of anxiety hit your stomach like a Pop-Tart first thing in the morning. Until one day you go to Old Navy all on your own and feel like trying on something cute that doesn’t have to be easy-to-chase-a-kid-in.
Like magic.
source https://www.scarymommy.com/parenting/is-4-the-magic-number-of-postpartum-years
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