The awkward grief of a mom-friend breakup

Becoming a playdate mom was a slow burn for me. I’m an undercover introvert with an aversion to small talk—not because I think I’m above it, but because my mind literally flatlines when I’m talking to strangers. 

When my husband changed careers to become a firefighter, my social anxiety took a backseat to the sobering realization that I would need more than just a couple of playdate friends—I’d need a village.

It wasn’t until my oldest started playing sports that I really began bonding with some of the moms whom I’d only shared brief exchanges with at school drop-off and pick-up before. Sitting together for hours at a time every weekend for months sharing snacks, taking turns doing coffee runs, and commiserating about everything from homework to screen time battles will do that. 

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I gravitated toward one mom in particular, and miraculously, our sons were getting closer too. She was hilarious, warm, whip-smart, and cool. 

We also shared the experience of raising a neurodivergent child, an experience that beyond being challenging, could also feel extremely isolating. Having someone as a sounding board to swap resources with, vent to, and be understood by felt invaluable. 

I was also delighted that my son was blossoming, socially. Our boys would run up to each other after school, gab non-stop while we walked to our parked cars and repeatedly inquire about the next play date. They made up secret handshakes, attended each other’s birthday parties, and we took turns hosting weekend and after-school playdates.  

When the dynamic between our sons suddenly shifted, I initially dismissed it. I reasoned that my son being snubbed as he waved goodbye one day could be chalked up to his friend just having a bad day.

When the dynamic between our sons suddenly shifted, I initially dismissed it. I reasoned that my son being snubbed as he waved goodbye one day could be chalked up to his friend just having a bad day. 

When it began happening more frequently, I encouraged him to talk to his friend about how he was feeling and ask him what was bothering him. Friendships can be tricky sometimes, I explained, but it’s always worth having the conversation. 

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That perception shifted during a group play date when I watched my son’s friend, along with another one of their mutual school friends, intentionally exclude him. My stomach dropped as I realized that this friendship that had once brought him so much joy had transformed into something else entirely. 

When the behavior started to escalate at school, I gave the friend’s mom a call. It was an awkward position for us both, but I also trusted in the relationship we had built. I needed to take my own advice and just have the conversation.

By the end of the call, I felt relieved and grateful that she showed up as I hoped she would, full of curiosity and an earnest desire to troubleshoot. But whether the friendship between our sons would or even should continue, was another matter entirely. 

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As the boys drifted apart for the better, I still felt a pang of grief knowing that my son’s alienation from the kid group had undeniably changed our relationships with the parent group.

I followed my son’s lead and said no to play group invitations I would have happily accepted at one point. And in doing so, my new mom friend and I drifted apart too. 

Teaching my son to distinguish the difference between healthy friction he could work through and an unhealthy dynamic he didn’t have to subject himself to was important, but it still hurt.

Teaching my son to distinguish the difference between healthy friction he could work through and an unhealthy dynamic he didn’t have to subject himself to was important, but it still hurt. 

I’m accepting that the village I’m building has an unconventional blueprint. It includes more than just finding mom friends who will let me in—the walls need to also hold steady for my children. Sometimes it includes literal neighbors who I might not have much in common with, but whose children are compatible with mine; kid-free friends who delight in their Auntie status and will pick up food before heading over; fellow firefighter wives whose kids are younger but feel like extended family. 

As long as we know how to come home to ourselves, the village’s building materials can be anything.

source https://www.mother.ly/health-wellness/how-to-navigate-mom-friend-breakups/