The mom friend breakup: When your ‘village’ is actually making you feel worse

If you’ve been anywhere near the internet lately, you’ve probably seen Ashley Tisdale’s essay about “breaking up” with her toxic mom group. The details are murky, the drama seems intense, and honestly? We don’t have time to dissect the intricacies of celebrity friend dynamics when *gestures wildly at everything*. But her experience—the exclusion, the FOMO, the very specific sting of watching your supposed support system move on without you via Instagram stories—hits uncomfortably close to home for a lot of us.

Nobody tells you when you’re desperately googling “mom groups near me” at 2 a.m. while nursing a newborn that sometimes the village you’re told you absolutely need can make you feel worse than being alone.

Welcome back to high school (but make it motherhood)

I recently had to navigate a tricky situation with a friend who runs in the same circles, and it instantly transported me back to being 16 years old, hyperaware of who was invited to what and where I ranked in some imaginary social hierarchy. The truth is, some people never outgrow the nonsense. And while I could spend energy trying to decode what’s happening in someone else’s head, that’s frankly none of my business. My energy is sacred, and I don’t have any to waste on “friends” who don’t actually fill my cup. If being in their presence is draining, I’d rather not be there.

Turns out, this is a pretty common experience. “I think ‘mean girl’ dynamics can be present in any phase of life,” says Dr. Kristin MacGregor, PhD, National Clinical Director of Integrated Behavioral Health at LifeStance Health. “But in motherhood, it’s the first time in a long time (maybe since high school or college) that you’re around lots of people of similar age and in similar life phases as you. But instead of feeling pressure to get the cool backpack or water bottle, there is now pressure to get the right stroller and to make the right decisions about how you feed and parent your kids.”

Cool. So we’ve traded Lisa Frank folders for $1,200 strollers and judgment about sleep training methods. Progress.

Related If you don’t live near your village, here’s how to create one

When “village” becomes “villain”

The pressure to find your people is intense when you’re a new mom. Every parenting resource screams about the importance of community, of having your village, of not doing this alone. But that pressure can keep you tethered to a group that’s actively making you miserable.

Dr. MacGregor suggests reframing how we think about what a “village” even means. “There is a lot of pressure to find a ‘village,’ but there are no rules around what that looks like,” she explains. “Think about what you are trying to accomplish with your ‘village’ and make decisions from there. For example, are you looking for a group of friends to spend time with while the kids play? Are you looking for someone reliable to pick up the kids from school if you are stuck at work? Are you looking for someone to talk to about what it’s like to be a mom?”

That flexibility matters. Your village doesn’t have to look like a weekly playgroup where everyone pretends to have their crap together while silently comparing whose toddler is hitting milestones faster.

Related Online mom groups aren’t the ‘village’ we need them to be

The toxic mom group red flags you shouldn’t ignore

Normal social friction is one thing. Actively depleting your mental health is another. Dr. MacGregor offers two key benchmarks to tell the difference: “Is this causing me significant distress (e.g., am I feeling overwhelmingly sad or angry for long periods of time)? And is this significantly impairing my functioning (e.g., am I so distracted by this social friction that I am not performing well at work or not engaged in activities at home)?”

If you’re answering yes to either of those, something needs to change. Challenging group dynamics can create what Dr. MacGregor calls “functional freeze”—basically going through the motions without actually being present, typically because of stress or overwhelm. “One of the symptoms of postpartum depression is this feeling of disconnection from your new baby, which can feel like a functional freeze state,” she notes.

A toxic mom group isn’t just making you feel bad. It can actively worsen postpartum mental health struggles. The thing you joined to help you cope might be making everything harder.

The guilt is real (but you can still leave)

If you’re realizing your group isn’t working for you, the guilt can be paralyzing. Dr. MacGregor says this often shows up as anxious thoughts like “what if I can’t ever find my village?” or “what if my kid is left out because I decided to leave this group?”

But you can leave. And it doesn’t have to be some dramatic confrontation worthy of the Burn Book. “Sometimes this might just mean saying no to things you would normally say yes to,” Dr. MacGregor advises. “Redirect your focus on ways to find or nurture your other relationships that feel more fulfilling.”

The social media side—because let’s be honest, the hardest part is watching everyone continue on without you in their Stories—requires its own strategy. Dr. MacGregor recommends thinking about “how much time and energy you are spending on social media and adjust from there.” That might mean limiting scroll time, muting or blocking certain connections, or taking a full break. Your mental health is worth more than staying digitally connected to people who make you feel like garbage.

What comes next

The good news is that “exiting” doesn’t mean scorched earth. You can maintain individual friendships or show up for the occasional birthday party without committing to weekly hangouts. And if you’ve been burned by group dynamics, you don’t have to do the mom group thing at all.

“Just because mom groups work for some doesn’t mean they are effective for everyone,” Dr. MacGregor emphasizes. “Maybe you prefer to have 1-2 friends with whom you socialize 1:1. Maybe it makes sense for your socialization to come in the form of activities you enjoy—like joining a book club or a running group.”

Dr. MacGregor’s bottom line: “People in your social support network should help you to feel supported, validated, and more confident; they should not make you feel bad about yourself by putting you down, judging decisions you are making as a parent, or intentionally leaving you out of events and activities.”

Your village should build you up, not tear you down. And if it’s doing the latter, well, to them we say, you can’t sit with us anyway.

source https://www.mother.ly/health-wellness/mental-health/toxic-mom-groups/