When to break up with your therapist (and how to actually do it)

So you’ve been going to therapy for a while now, and… it’s just not clicking. Maybe you dread your sessions. Maybe you leave feeling worse than when you walked in. Or maybe you’re just tired of feeling like you have to put on a performance instead of actually being yourself.

If you’re reading this, you’re probably already wondering if it’s time to break up with your therapist. And here’s what you should know: that’s a completely valid thing to question. You’re not a quitter. You’re not being difficult. You’re advocating for yourself—which is literally the whole point of therapy in the first place.

Let’s talk about how to tell when it’s really time to part ways with a mental health provider, and how to actually do it without all the guilt and weirdness.

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The difference between growth pains and a bad match

Therapy is supposed to be uncomfortable sometimes. That’s like, kind of its thing. But there’s a big difference between productive discomfort and dreading your next session.

“Growth discomfort usually has this ‘ugh, this is hard, but I feel safe’ quality to it,” explains Nicholette Leanza, LPCC-S, a therapist at LifeStance Health. “Whereas a bad match feels more like dreading your sessions or leaving feeling worse than when you started.”

If you keep feeling unheard, judged, or like you’re putting on a show instead of being real? Something’s not right. The therapeutic alliance–that bond between you and your therapist—is one of the most important predictors of positive outcomes in treatment.

Red flags that mean “leave wow”

Some things are immediate dealbreakers. “Any boundary crossing like romantic or sexual stuff, breaking confidentiality, or shaming you for who you are or what you’ve experienced—those are all immediate no’s,” says Leanza. “Trust your gut. If something feels really wrong, it usually is.”

Other signs it’s time to go: you can’t be yourself even after multiple sessions, your therapist does all the talking, they’re rigid about their approach, or they’re pushing their values instead of working with yours.

How long should you give it?

“I usually think around 4-6 sessions gives you enough time to know,” Leanza says. “Though some people figure it out sooner and that’s totally fine too.”

If it’s been months and things feel stagnant? “Be honest and just let them know you’re feeling stagnant,” Leanza advises. “A decent therapist will process ways to help you get unstuck, and that may entail trying different therapeutic approaches with you.”

If they get defensive or can’t adapt? That tells you everything you need to know.

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When values collide

Your therapist doesn’t have to agree with all your life choices, but they absolutely have to respect them. “They don’t have to believe what you believe, but they’ve got to respect it and work with your values, not push theirs on you,” Leanza says.

Different political views might be workable if they’re keeping them out of sessions. (Note, however, that disagreements over equality and human rights isn’t political so do with that information what you will.) But if they fundamentally can’t accept who you are—your sexuality, your decision not to have kids, your religion—that’s a problem.

“When they’re pushing their stuff on you, it may sound like ‘maybe you should…’ or you can just sense their disapproval,” Leanza explains. “Exploring sounds more like ‘what feels right to you?’ with actual curiosity, not a hidden agenda.” You should leave feeling clearer about what you think, not guilty or confused.

How to break up with your therapist

“Just let them know that you don’t think ‘this is the right fit’ and you can keep it at that if you like,” says Leanza. “If the therapist wants to know more specifics on why, you can let them know your reasons if you want, but you don’t have to.”

If your therapist reacts defensively or tries to talk you out of leaving? “A good therapist will respect your call,” Leanza notes. “If they’re guilt-tripping you or belittling you for not wanting to continue, that’s kind of proving your point.”

But what happens when you realize your done for real? Is it better to have a final session or just quit cold turkey? “I think there’s something to wrapping things up and looking back at what you got out of the sessions,” Leanza says. “But if it was a bad situation and you just need to be done, it’s completely fine to just stop.”

If cost is the real issue, just say that. “Most therapists understand that therapy is expensive,” Leanza says. “Just be direct and say, ‘I need to stop for financial reasons.’ Most will try to help you find other options.”

Asking your current therapist for a referral is typical—they already know what’s going on with you. But if things ended badly, you might want a clean slate.

Related Just 1 in 4 moms say they’re doing well mentally—new study reveals a growing crisis

Setting yourself up for success next time

When interviewing a new therapist, watch for those same red flags: doing all the talking, being super rigid, or making you feel like you have to perform.

Good signs? “They’re asking what you need, they’re honest about what they’re not great at, and it feels like you’re on the same team right away,” Leanza says.

From the first session, advocate for yourself. “Be upfront about what hasn’t worked before and what you actually need—like do you want someone direct or more warm and fuzzy,” she advises. “Good therapists will be glad to have the feedback and won’t get weird about it.”

The bottom line: therapy should help you feel more like yourself, not less. Finding the right therapist might take a few tries, and that’s okay. Investing in a relationship that helps you grow is worth way more than staying in one that keeps you stuck.

source https://www.mother.ly/health-wellness/mental-health/how-to-break-up-with-your-therapist/