"I Don't Think My Husband Likes Me": Experts Explain Why Your Brain Tricks You Into Thinking This

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It usually starts with something small. You’re sitting on the couch, telling your husband a funny story, and he doesn’t laugh like you thought he would. Or you’re hoping for a quiet night in together, and he says he already made plans with the boys. Maybe you just realized one morning that you two haven’t kissed each other hello in a while.

And suddenly, your brain does what brains love to do: it spirals. Oh my god. I don’t think my husband likes me anymore. You tell your friends, your therapist, your mom.

But girl, slow down. Deep breath. That thought might say more about what’s happening inside your brain than what’s actually happening in your marriage.

In fact, this spiral is more common than you might think. I do it every few months or so — I’ll completely convince myself that my loving husband, who has a full partnership with me in our home and family life, finds me annoying or exhausting.

Almost every time, that thought ends up tied to me feeling blah and gross myself. I’m behind on the laundry. I’m tired. I’m not taking care of myself the way I should. Once I start feeling better about myself again, those worries about my husband usually disappear.

“We feel a particular way based on our own experiences, and those thoughts relate to our frame of mind,” says Cornelia Gibson of Agape Counseling Center. She says sometimes those thoughts move so quickly, zipping in and out of your mind, that you don’t stop to question whether they’re based on reality or insecurity.

In other words, your brain might be jumping to conclusions.

Why Your Brain Assumes The Worst

It’s easy to think about things your partner has actually done and make a list:

• Have they been deliberately hurtful?
• Have you asked them to spend more time with you, and they’ve purposely done the opposite?
• If you fight, do they say things specifically because they know they’ll hurt you the most?

If you answered yes to these, I think it’s fair to assume your husband’s being a d*ck. But if not — if you just worry that your husband doesn’t like you — it’s definitely time to do some internal auditing.

So what’s *really* happening when those thoughts pop into your head?

It could be that it has less to do with your partner and more to do with everything else going on in your life. Stress, exhaustion, hormonal changes, and big life events can all make relationship insecurities flare up.

Maybe you’re feeling disconnected lately. Maybe work has been overwhelming. Maybe you’re burned out from parenting or running a household. Maybe, and I’m so sorry to say this, it really is hormones making you feel lousy.

Or maybe you need more sleep. When you’re tired, your brain is much more likely to assume the worst.

“Anxiety stemming from other areas of life can impact your relationship,” says Anindita Bhaumik, a certified clinical trauma professional. She adds that cognitive distortions — like mind-reading or personalization — can lead us to interpret neutral situations as negative ones.

Your husband not laughing at your funny story might not mean anything at all. But your anxious brain can turn that moment into “evidence” of something much bigger.

How To Tell If It’s Actually A Problem

You’re going to have to take a step back and do your best to separate fact from fiction, says Bhaumik.

First, identify what you’re feeling. Do you feel disliked for who you are? For your role as a wife? As a mother? Then, see if there is any tangible evidence for your feeling. What does your husband say or do that makes you feel that way? Bhaumik says to be as specific as possible.

If there’s clear evidence-based neglect, she says it’s definitely time for a talk. If you can’t pinpoint anything your husband has specifically done or said to make you feel this way, though, you gotta go inward.

Bhaumik acknowledges that these types of feelings are complex and often tangled up in our own insecurities, worries, and fears.

“That’s why it’s so important to get specific on the source of these feelings and practice introspection,” she says. “It could be that they are mostly due to your own insecurities, but also that your partner could be doing more to reassure you. It could also be that he could never do enough to reassure you because your insecurities run so deep. Or, it could be that these feelings are rooted more in general anxiety or feelings of discontentment in a life stage.”

What To Do If This Thought Keeps Popping Up

If you’re really struggling with your self-confidence and insecurities, Bhaumik says reaching out to a therapist can help. She also suggests going back to basics: self-care, meditation, establishing a social circle, and, yes, getting enough sleep can truly help you feel better about everything.

But whenever the thought creeps into your mind, you can stay grounded by returning to your lists and reevaluating them to see what needs to be done. Bhaumik even recommends practicing a mantra, like “I am loved and cared for” or “I am worthy of love.” You can also reassure yourself with a mantra of “I know my husband loves and cares for me.”

One thing that should be at the top of your list? Talking to your husband.

Gibson says this kind of worrying can prompt you to have some assertive and open communication with your partner. You might hear something that challenges your own insecurities — like your husband saying that he’s having a hard time mentally and that’s why he’s felt more distant, or that he didn’t realize you were struggling — and helps you feel better about yourself and your marriage.

“Vulnerability is key to a healthy marriage, so bringing this to your husband can be very beneficial and even the key to overcoming it, if he can receive it and work through it productively,” says Bhaumik. (She encourages using your lists to explain to him exactly what you’re feeling, focusing on using “I” statements to avoid accusations.)

If your partner is consistently dismissive, cruel, or uninterested in spending time together, absolutely, that needs to be addressed. But if the evidence isn’t really there, it may be a sign that your brain is filling in the blanks.

source https://www.scarymommy.com/lifestyle/i-dont-think-my-husband-likes-me-marriage-anxiety-cognitive-distortion