Why Do Women Love Romance Tropes That Would Be Red Flags IRL? Experts Explain

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If you read romance or romantasy novels, you’ve definitely developed a crush on a man in a book at some point. We all do — whether you’re all in on Rhysand or Xaden or Atakan, it’s hard not to swoon over men written by women. And you’ve probably also thought about how, if a man actually did some of the things these characters do IRL, you would run for the hills. So why do women love romance tropes that would be massive red flags in reality? We asked relationship experts whether this is normal or if we should move up our next therapy appointments.

Some of the most beloved romance book tropes that would never fly in real life include (but are not limited to):

• Controlling/overprotective behaviors
• Mentor/mentee falling in love
• Morally gray guy (as in, he’s definitely killed some people but ostensibly they deserved it)
• Secret stalker (he’s trying to woo her by day and also he peeks in her windows at night)
• Enemies to lovers
• The rake, i.e., the insufferable womanizer, suddenly falls in love and changes his ways

For starters, when you’re reading a book, the characters’ intentions are all there on the page. You know the bad boy is thinking about how much he wants the main character and would never hurt her, so we’re not alarmed when he pushes her up against the wall and breathes in the smell of her hair. In real life, we’d be dialing 911.

“On the page, we have total control — we see what’s happening inside the character’s mind, the narrative is designed to have a safe outcome, and there are no real-world repercussions,” says Melissa Legere, LMFT, clinical director and co-founder of California Behavioral Health. “This allows us to safely explore strong emotions such as danger, obsession, or dominance. Often, these scenarios present these actions with emotional intensity, vulnerability, or chemistry, which can make them feel incredibly exciting and romantically charged, even though intellectually, we understand that these scenarios would not be appropriate if replicated in real life.”

So, when a book boyfriend acts overprotective to the point of being controlling, we understand the wound that causes that behavior. “The behavior is justified because it is contextualized within a narrative arc,” says Emely Rumble, LCSW, a therapist who specializes in bibliotherapy. She says that, unlike questionable relationship dynamics IRL, readers are in complete control of their books.

But what about the books where the characters’ behavior would be truly dangerous or downright illegal? Well, the forbidden nature is what makes it all so hot to our brains. “Because eroticism depends on an element of danger to exist in the first place, many people shut it down in real life. Romantasy can be a super dangerous playground, explored through the ultimate safest means — reading. No one actually gets hurt, stalked, or controlled. You close the book or swipe to the next chapter and the fantasy ends,” says Dr. Jenni Skyler, Adam & Eve’s resident sex therapist.

“You can skip a scene while reading. You can also decide to not finish a book. Even in this worst-case scenario, readers know we are not actually going to be harmed by the most intense circumstances. This gives the reader an opportunity to explore new ways of being while controlling the pace and way in which they engage the scenario,” Rumble says.

What Your Favorite Problematic Trope Says About You

If that professor-student romance leaves you wanting more, you’re not alone. Questionable tropes are popular because they tap into our deepest psychological desires, Rumble says. They’re not a reflection of something wrong with you, but they “directly speak” to your emotional needs. So, here’s what your favorite trope might say about you.

Morally gray guys

Morally gray characters are in nearly every romance or romantasy book these days. What is it about these guys that has so many readers drooling over them?

“This plays into the fantasy of being loved unconditionally and being able to love someone unconditionally. We all have a dark side so we are comforted by the possibility of being able to love and be loved even if we or a partner has done the worst thing in the world,” says Anna Richards, sex educator and founder of Frolicme.com.

“This one screams, ‘I’m the special one.’ Being chosen to be the killer’s lover, with a danger of lethality to everyone but her, allows for a dangerous and suspenseful sexy tension,” Skyler adds.

It could also just be refreshing to see a man with values actually sticking to them — even if it’s to someone else’s detriment. “He has a moral code, so strong that he has killed for it. So, violence, yes, but takes action and stands by his word, also yes,” says licensed psychologist Dr. Todd Giardina. “This is attractive in fantasy, but in real life would get you both thrown in jail. It just sounds appealing to have a guy that doesn’t hedge.”

Controlling, overprotective guys

These characters provide “the kind of all-consuming care and adoration” you might desire for yourself, Legere says.

“No one likes a controlling asshole. But in fantasy, this kind of man oozes confidence that screams sexy,” says Skyler. “The idea of a man who would fight saber-toothed dragon demons for you, and save you, definitely scratches the itch for security. While in real life this may feel like overkill, over-protection, even coercion, on the page it reads as sexy devotion.”

Romance with an authority figure, like professor-student or mentor-mentee dynamics

These are the forbidden relationships you’d never let yourself engage in in real life, the kind you would never think is OK if you heard about someone in your circle doing it, but something about the power differential is spicy.

“Power differences can be very sexy. To capture the eye of someone in power can feel intoxicating. The mentee feels special, while the mentor loves the chase and manipulation of the mentee. Though grooming and gross, and often illegal, the fantasy of the forbidden fruit mixed with an element of danger, offers readers a sexy tension that is page-turning,” Skyler says.

Enemies to lovers

Growing up, did you ever hear “he bullies you because he likes you?” No reason, just asking...

“Enemies to lovers is a favorite trope because so many of us want to believe that we were mistreated because we were actually misunderstood and that person who disliked us now understands us,” Rumble says.

While it’s pretty impossible to turn an IRL enemy into a lover (and chances are you honestly wouldn’t want to), it’s a trope that allows for a lot of attitude and banter back and forth that probably wouldn’t be healthy in a normal, loving relationship.

“Enemies loathe with a similar intensity to sexual passion, just masked differently. There is still shared intensity, forced proximity, delicious banter,” Skyler says. “Once they cross the forbidden threshold into lover territory, the sexual excitement is impossible to tame.”

Taming the rake

You’re literally cringing over the new manosphere documentary on Netflix. Why do you want to read about some insufferable asshole? Skyler says this trope also taps into our desire to be special. It’s about “the fantasy of being the exception to the rule, taming the egoist man who was previously untamable. It’s the ultimate proof of love and romance.”

“The rake trope taps into our desire to see transformation, that idea that someone who is ‘irredeemable’ can somehow change because of love, which is incredibly satisfying psychologically,” Legere says.

Secret stalker

More extreme scenarios, like dark romances and secret stalkers, tap into our desire for suspense, Legere says. This engages the reward centers in our brains with fear and satisfaction. It also lets us fantasize about being so completely irresistible to someone that they simply can’t stay away, even when being close is wrong.

“The fantasy underneath a secret stalker might be that the reader feels like there is someone who is always thinking about them, therefore validating their self-worth and importance,” adds Rumble.

Richards agrees, saying people who enjoy this trope certainly don’t want to be stalked in a literal sense, but they might enjoy the idea of being aggressively pursued and watched over at all times.

So whatever trope you like to read within most, don’t feel bad about it. Reading is one of the safest ways to explore your fantasies and turn-ons — though if you want to bring them into your actual bedroom, no one’s stopping you.

source https://www.scarymommy.com/lifestyle/why-do-women-love-romance-tropes-that-would-be-red-flags-irl