Moms Are Feeling "Friendship Burnout" & Social Media Might Be To Blame
I know the ‘90s were a wildly different time to raise kids, so of course motherhood today is going to look different, but I’m always amazed by the one thing my mom didn’t feel burned out on as a mom: her friendships.
She met friends for dinner after long days at work, joined them (with us in tow!) for karaoke after our softball games, played Scrabble on their back porch for hours on a Sunday afternoon. She made phone calls and talked during basketball practice, and while I know she was exhausted by her daily work commute and taking care of three kids and a home, I don’t ever remember her saying she felt “friendship burnout.”
But there’s a whole lot of us now who do.
Times have changed, I know. And of course friendship drama and woes and pressure have always existed. But I truly think the ability to be in constant communication — and the millions of TikToks and reels and social media posts calling people bad friends if they miss a text message — and all of the ways we feel like we have to “perform” to be a good friend attributes to this “friendship burnout.”
Plus, you know, the billion other things we’re all handling each day.
“The expectation of being constantly reachable is exhausting on its own,” says Christina Mathieson, LMFT, founder of My Mental Climb, and a new mom. “Group chats accumulate messages even when you step away for an afternoon. Voice memos are wonderful, but they're also an unstated commitment to listen for ten minutes when you barely have ten minutes to yourself in the day. Social media adds another layer because moms are seeing curated versions of other women's friendships — the brunches, the trips, the book club, the daily check-in texts. How is anyone supposed to not get overwhelmed by all the ways we are supposed to connect with people now?”
But Mathieson also acknowledges that as our lives change — becoming a parent, adding more kids, having new responsibilities and commitments — our friendships do, too, over and over. And it can be incredibly hard to manage. “Now you have to plan everything, coordinate schedules, and stay current on each other's lives. That is a real workload, and it gets added to a plate that is already full.”
There’s also a heavy all-or-nothing mindset regarding friendships, and that’s often perpetuated on social media. You’re either expected to be the absolute best of friends and talk constantly — like the social media reels of women who seem to have 15 BFFs show up to their “dress like Ina Garten party” — or you’re an introvert with no real friends, just casual acquaintances you talk to at preschool pick-up or the high school basketball game. “This is one I see all the time,” Mathieson says. “Moms come in believing the only options are ‘I have a tight-knit village’ or ‘I have no one,’ and that binary is part of the burnout itself.”
Mathieson says there’s a whole “middle ground” of friendship that doesn’t get talked about. “Whether that is the friend you only see twice a year but feel like you can jump right back in with the moment you do, the playground mom you actually genuinely like, or the friend group where you drop in for trivia night when you can and step back when you can't. All of those count.”
And if you’re struggling with friendships that you feel like you can’t commit to — whether it’s the other friend involved who makes you feel that way or you just know you can’t meet the relationship’s expectations — it’s OK to step away from it. Mathieson says you have to let go of the belief that “friendship has to be high-frequency to be real” and that you have to accept that different friends can serve different roles in your life. “The friend you process hard things with is rarely the same friend you do quick playground meetups with, and you don't need both rolled into one person — just like you don't need your partner to be your everything.”
When it comes to friendships, everyone wants honesty to be a priority. We want our friends to trust us, to tell us how they really feel (even if it’s not what we want to hear), and to be their full, genuine selves with us. For a lot of moms experiencing “friendship burnout,” it’s that lack of honesty that makes it so hard. Like the friends who refuse to ever acknowledge the hard parts of motherhood, or the days we tell our friends “oh no thanks, we don’t need a meal” when our kids have been sick for two weeks instead of letting them help us. “That is one of the most direct forms of friendship there is, and refusing it because the house is a mess or you are still in pajamas is part of what drives mom burnout in the first place,” Mathieson says. “They are going to see you in pajamas, they are going to see the dishes piling up and that is fine, it really is.”
Mathieson shares that as a mom to a 3-month-old, she’s already learned that some of her most meaningful friendship moments are when she’s honest about motherhood. “That kind of honesty is what makes a friendship hold up under the weight of motherhood, and it also reshapes how you communicate. A text that says, ‘thinking of you, no need to respond’ is a real form of friendship. So is a voice memo you send when you have time and your friend listens to when she does. Friendship will ebb and flow depending on the season you are in.”
If you’re feeling friendship burnout, please know that you’re not alone — and that there is a solution. Maybe it’s time to look at your actual friendships. Are these “friends” making you feel like you aren’t doing enough when you’re already pushed to the brink? Are you setting your own unrealistic expectations and need to be honest with yourself? Does everything feel performative and exhausting?
“Friendship is one of the areas where less, done with intention and honesty, is more meaningful than trying to do it all,” Mathieson adds. “The friendships that actually survive motherhood are the ones where both people gave each other permission to be in different seasons, see each other messy, and tell the truth about what is hard.”
source https://www.scarymommy.com/lifestyle/moms-are-feeling-friendship-burnout-social-media-might-be-to-blame
Comments
Post a Comment