Ask Scary Mommy is our weekly advice column wherein Scary Mommy editors and guest editors — fellow moms like you — will answer your burning questions. You can send all of your questions and conundrums about parenting, family, and relationships to askscarymommy@bdg.com (don’t worry — we’ll keep you anonymous!).
This week, all across Scary Mommy, we are discussing helicopter parenting: what it is, how its affected our culture, and how we should approaching it in our own parenting. And here’s a bit of a different angle: what happens if it’s not you who are doing the helicoptering?
Let’s get to the question.
Dear Scary Mommy,
My daughter's grandparents adore her but won't take her outside. Like, at all. No walks, no park, nothing. They're so scared of something happening on their watch that they've gone full fortress mode. I've told them I trust them and I wouldn't blame them if something went sideways, but they're still frozen. Any advice for getting them to relax before we lose an entire summer?
— Help For Helicopter Grandparents
Dear Help For Helicopter Grandparents,
One tough aspect of parenting is that you can’t parent your kid 24/7. You need help from others from time to time, and that means that other people, with other ideas about parenting, are going to be in charge of your kid.
While some caregivers, like babysitters and nannies, can be paid to take care of your kid in a certain way, friends and family cannot. That means its a lot harder to criticize or even suggest changes to their care, which I’m assuming they are offering for free.
I think the most important thing to understand about this situation is why they are giving off helicopter parenting vibes and keeping your child inside.
It could be that they think she is so very precious that they are terrified of something happening to her.
It could be that they are fearful of the consequences from you if anything were to go wrong — say, they lost her for a few minutes or she got a minor injury on the playground.
It could also be that they don’t trust themselves to do the job. Maybe due to age, they are slowing down, suffering from poor hearing, or can’t see as well as they used to.
Finally, it could simply be that it’s been a long time since they were parents, and they’ve lost their confidence that they can do the job.
Depending on what the problem is, there could be a number of different solutions.
We turned to our readers for some advice, too. As always, there were a few different camps. One camp thought that you should leave well enough alone, and just be grateful that your grandparents are ready and willing to watch your kid at all:
Why push them to be tense or uncomfortable when they are watching your baby?
Let them do what they’re comfortable with.
They may be more concerted with their physical strength/ability to safely monitor her.
Honestly, if they’re not comfortable outside alone with her, then don’t force them.
Give them grace. Mine can’t get around easily and fear being able to keep up.
But another camp offered the idea that you could slowly get them comfortable with the idea of taking your kid out, perhaps if you helped them along the (literal) path:
Take her outside with you and your grandparents. Let them see how you handle the situation.
Choose easy activities first, like chalk or a picnic so they can build up their tolerance.
Do some outdoor things when you’re all together.
Help them make their backyard safe and fun.
Do low-stakes activities outside first to build their confidence.
My parents are really anxious, too. Talk about it and do it together at the beginning.
Start small — porch first. Work up to the park or library.
And of course, as always, one person was a bit of a smart*ss.
Go on a group outing and... accidentally disappear.
Whichever route you take, I think both camps have some good points. First, it’s important to see things from your parents’ POV: they are older, slower, and their child-rearing days are far behind them. This is likely a little scary for them! But also, people can learn. Your parents raised you and your siblings, surely with a little practice they can take your kid outside at least a little.
— Scary Mommy
Have a situation that you’re not sure how to resolve? Write Ask Scary Mommy to get answers from real parents who’ve been there.
If it’s not obvious by the end of this article, we are not doctors or lawyers. Please don’t interpret any of the above information as legal or medical advice — go see the professionals for that!
source https://www.scarymommy.com/parenting/ask-scary-mommy-helicopter-grandparenting
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