One thing I was not expecting about getting closer to 40 is how much more I would enjoy sex. I’m sure a big part of that is having a partner for over 10 years that I love and cherish and feel completely safe and loved with, but I know so much of it has to do with my own confidence. The jokes about “older” women and sex have always made it sound like they’re either desperate for young men or not having it at all, but the truth is, sex just seems to get better for so many women as they age — and as their sexuality grows and changes.
Sexuality is not a rigid box of concrete angles, and I’m grateful for that. In a world where women are falling in love with erotic fiction starring ogres (and that’s just the very tip of the iceberg), I think it’s fair to say exploring your sexuality as a woman is completely on trend right now. Whether that’s trying things you would’ve never thought about before with your partner or considering a whole new sexual preference, so many women are figuring out what they like, what they don’t, and what they’ve been avoiding for decades that they might actually love.
But where do you begin?
How do I know what I want sexually?
The important thing to remember is that if you’re thinking about anything regarding sex and feeling nervous about it, it’s all totally normal. And if you’re thinking about something that’s never crossed your mind before — a threesome, an open marriage, being with a different sex — that’s also totally, totally normal, according to sex therapist Ilana Grines. When it comes to her own clients, she says the first thing she always does is try to normalize any thoughts or desires and to make sure to take the pressure off. “Desire shifts across the lifespan, and many of us weren’t — and aren't — supposed to be our best sexual selves at 25. We start with curiosity, not with a checklist.”
This means whatever you’re thinking about, whatever you’re wanting to change or explore, you should check in with yourself first and ask yourself: What is it that you really want?
“So many women have learned to put other people's pleasure in front of their own,” Grines says, and most women haven’t spent decades ever figuring out what it is they want instead. “The first thing I try to educate women on is the research about desire. Sometimes I recommend the book Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, which does a really great job at differentiating between responsive and spontaneous desire. We start there. It's important to understand that desire for most women is responsive and not spontaneous. What that means is that desire shows up after you create the conditions for it, not before.”
Grines says this means if a client comes to her and says, “I want to explore my sexuality,” her first question is to ask if the conditions are created for it and follow with, “What is one thing you would try if no one would ever find out?”
Talking through that — these desires and where they come from — can help you figure out if this is something you’re really wanting to try or just something that you think you’re supposed to want.
And talking about these things can help with your own vulnerability, says Anka Grzywacz, a sex therapist, who says she encourages her clients to admit how “uncomfortable” it may feel to talk about their desires. “Sexuality is one of the most vulnerable experiences in life, and we get to share that deep vulnerability with another person,” she says. “Daring to want something more is already an act of courage. So, start with allowing yourself to dream.”
How can I explore new sexual desires?
If you’re unsure which desires you have or ones you’d really like to explore, but know you want something new, Grzywacz recommends reading collections of women’s sexual fantasies or listening to audio erotica. “I find starting with written or audio content can be less intimidating than watching porn, even the most ethical and female-oriented type.”
Grines also recommends that you start solo. “Get to know your body, explore what self-pleasure looks like when your own pleasure is the only goal. Do you find yourself moving to places that you never indulged before? Are you looking for imagery that you never gave yourself permission to do in the past? Are you able to enjoy things differently because there's no audience? What sensations feel the best? When does your desire peak?”
By focusing on these things and really doing your homework, Grines says you can create a language around what pleasure looks like for you so that when you’re ready to integrate it with a partner or partners, you’ll have intentional language to explain what you want and need.
Grzywacz also suggests homing in on what you want, especially what you want the mood to be like during intimate moments. “What qualities are they missing? Is it feeling spicy? Or pampered and treated like a goddess? Or perhaps she's dreaming of joyful, carefree intimacy? Feelings are a great guide that can lead us to knowledge, activities, and toys that can help us get there. I always tell women that sex is like a playground for adults. We get to be curious and have lots of colorful toys to make the playtime even more fun.”
But no matter what, both experts agree: It’s never too late. Grines says the stats around penetrative sex and the pleasure women receive from it are “alarming” and “the shame is so real.” Since most women need clitoral stimulation to reach an orgasm, she says she has tons of clients who come in at 40 and share that they’ve never had an orgasm and that “they were the problem.” Nope. We’re not doing that.
“40 is not too late! Women still have many great years of sex to discover, so the best time to start is today,” says Grzywacz. And the more confident and sexy and happy you are in the bedroom, the better sex is for everybody. And while they shouldn’t be your priority, by focusing on yourself, you can also be what your partner wants and needs in the bedroom.
It’s like the “pour into your cup” adage. Explore your sexuality so you can find your own pleasure — and some for your partner, too.
source https://www.scarymommy.com/lifestyle/how-to-explore-your-sexuality-according-to-experts
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