Whether you’re chronically online or just a person who occasionally scrolls the internet, you’ve probably come across a quiz or Reel recently about attachment styles. You may have even gone so far as to figure yours out or, maybe more likely, your partner’s. That’s the thing: Most of us think about attachment styles in terms of romantic relationships. We look at them through the lens of who needs space after a fight, who crashes out when a text goes unanswered a little too long, who says “I’m fine” (when you both know damn well you’re not).
But the patterns you learned about closeness and safety as a kid, the ones that led to your attachment style, don’t just up and vanish when you have a kid yourself. They show up in the way you react when your kid clings to your leg at school drop-off, or how it feels in your chest when your teen slams their bedroom door in your face.
What does all this really mean, though? How can it affect who you are as a mom? We asked experts for advice on navigating this “relationship” dynamic that’s very much a part of parenting, too.
A Quick Attachment Style Refresher
Attachment theory grew out of the work of psychiatrist John Bowlby and psychologist Mary Ainsworth, whose famous “Strange Situation” studies watched how babies reacted when their caregiver left the room and returned. The broad styles you’ve probably seen floating around in conversations on the internet are:
- Secure: Comfortable with closeness and independence. Trusts that people will show up for them. Communicates needs clearly.
- Anxious (or Preoccupied): Craves closeness but fears it will be taken away. Reads distance as rejection. Often needs extra validation.
- Avoidant (or Dismissive): Values independence, proud of self-reliance. Gets uncomfortable when things feel too close or emotional, so tends to keep people at arm’s length.
- Disorganized (or Fearful Avoidant): Wants closeness and fears it, so it can swing between anxious and avoidant. Tends to display a lot of emotional dysregulation.
Why It Matters in Motherhood
You’ve had decades to adapt to your attachment style and build workarounds. Maybe even go to therapy. Your kids aren’t there yet.
“Adults have years of coping strategies to soften an insecure attachment style. Kids don’t have that yet,” Lea Darido, LMHC, a therapist who specializes in attachment and trust-based relational intervention (TBRI) for children. “They’re still forming their own wiring, largely by absorbing what’s done around them, over and over, in ordinary caregiving moments.”
There’s research to back that up. In a landmark 1995 meta-analysis, researcher Marinus van IJzendoorn found that parents’ and babies’ attachment classifications (secure vs. insecure) matched roughly three out of four times. “A caregiver’s attachment style is one of the strongest known predictors of their child’s,” Darido says. “That is why it is so essential to be aware of what you are putting on the table.”
What It Actually Looks Like in Parenting
If you’re anxiously attached
Something as simple as dropping your kid off at school might be tough on your emotions.
“A parent with anxious attachment style may struggle to let their child walk into the classroom alone because separation feels like abandonment in their own body as much as it does in their child’s,” says Rebecca Lee Wells, a health counselor and attachment theory and nervous system regulation specialist.
It doesn’t end when your kids are little, either. An anxiously attached parent “might experience a child’s independence as rejection,” says intimacy coach Annette Benedetti. For parents of teens, that can manifest as “struggling not to take a desire for privacy (perfectly normal) as a personal affront.”
If you’re avoidantly attached
Here’s where bedtime might get a little uncomfy. “A parent with avoidant style might feel pulled to end a bedtime cuddle early, uncomfortable with too much closeness even when their child is asking for more of it,” Wells says.
Not surprisingly, then, this attachment style can really surface when big feelings hit. Avoidant parents might rush to shut those feelings down (“you’re fine!”), says Benedetti, “but in reality, it can make a child feel like their feelings aren’t valid or don’t matter.”
If your attachment style is disorganized
This one can feel like whiplash, for you and your kid. A parent with this style “might waffle between intense closeness and withdrawing or being emotionally unavailable the next,” Benedetti says.
A hugely important thing to know, though: None of these is a character flaw, and they don’t mean you’re purposely doing things that could imprint negatively on your child.
A Few Gut-Check Questions Worth Asking
“Parenting can certainly hit the same nerves around closeness, connection, and rejection,” says Dipesh Patel, LCSW, a licensed psychotherapist and dad of two toddlers. “However, feeling needed and feeling connected are two very different things.”
It’s a big distinction, and one that can really become key as kids gain more independence. Patel suggests asking yourself: Do I feel connected to my child even when they don’t need my help? In the hard moments, am I responding to my child’s needs, or trying to get rid of my own discomfort?
Yep, that second one might sting a little to hear and acknowledge. It can also be incredibly clarifying the next time you’re tempted to cut a meltdown short or hover at your kid’s classroom door after drop-off.
But TL;DR, you don’t have to get it right every time.
Even secure attachment, regarded as the healthiest type, doesn’t mean you’re perfectly attuned every single time. “It means secure predominantly,” reminds Darido, “and when you get it wrong, you notice it, own it, and repair it.”
In other words, messing up isn’t the problem. “Rupture and repair isn’t a failure of secure attachment; it is secure attachment in action,” she reassures. “Kids don’t need flawless parents. They need parents who mess up and know how to come back.”
source https://www.scarymommy.com/parenting/attachment-styles-how-they-show-up-in-parenting
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