There are a million cards to send and gifts to wrap, a double batch of cookies to make for that school party, and all the while your mom is guilt-tripping you for not bringing your family to their house for the holidays. The end of the year can be stressful mentally, emotionally, and logistically. While we all know we should buy gifts ahead of time instead of waiting for the last minute, present shopping is hardly the only source of holiday stress nagging at moms this time of year. Scary Mommy asked Kati Morton, LMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist and author of the forthcoming book Why Do I Keep Doing This? Unlearning the Habits Keeping You Stuck and Unhappy, what we can do starting now to make the holidays easier on ourselves.
1. Start conversations about holiday expectations now.
Text your girlfriends and ask if you’re exchanging gifts this year, or if you know you’d rather not, say so (money’s tight for everyone right now!). Call up your family and your in-laws and let everyone know where you’ll be spending the holidays, how long you can stay when you visit, and any other plans that may have caused confusion or hurt feelings in the past.
“Let them know all the things that you’re wanting and all the things that you can and cannot do so that there’s less upset later. We don’t want there to be any assumptions that people have or expectations that aren’t met because one of my favorite quotes, and I forget who even said it, is expectations that are not communicated are resentments in the making,” says Morton.
(Editor’s note: This quote, “Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments,” is from The Truth: An Uncomfortable Book About Relationships by Neil Strauss.)
2. Send a boundary-setting text.
Once you’ve decided on what you’d like to do for the holidays and how much you’re capable of, make that clear to your relatives.
“‘Just so you know, Mom, we’re only able to stay two nights this year. Was looking at our calendar for Thanksgiving, that’s what we can do,’” Morton says. “Or, ‘I’d love to host, but I’m going to need everyone to bring a dish.’ Or texting all your siblings or friends or whoever: ‘We’re going to keep gifts under $50 this year.’ One text could save you weeks of stress later.”
3. Find things that calm you down and practice them now.
If you know your uncle always brings up politics at the table and you’re going to need to take a few deep breaths to hold back your fire-breathing rage, don’t let that moment be the first time you practice calming yourself down. Find what actually makes you feel better (Morton says a lot of people genuinely hate breathing exercises) and practice it in advance.
What helps you feel better? Is it deep breathing or is it just doing a little body shake? Is it going for a walk? I personally love qigong; it makes my anxiety just calm down. Try some things out now so that we’re not trying a coping skill for the first time at Thanksgiving dinner or Christmas Eve,” she advises.
4. Figure out the mental load of the holidays now, and get real with yourself about delegating.
Morton recommends sitting down and making a list of all the tasks involved in making the holidays happen. You’re going to Thanksgiving dinner but need to bring a dish. Do you have to be the one who shops for the ingredients, prepares it, and washes up after? When gift shopping, are you the only one in the house who can determine a budget, choose gifts, physically go to the store or sit down to order them, and then wrap them?
“Often women, especially mothers, take on all the tasks when a lot of that can be offloaded,” she says. “You can delegate to your spouse, to your other children, to other people in the family for certain things.”
5. Practice saying, “Let me think about that and get back to you.”
Or, “Let me check my calendar and get back to you.” We often feel pressured to say yes to things in the moment — party invites, family visits, volunteer tasks — and then we feel overwhelmed by them later. Get in the habit of not saying yes right away, but giving yourself space to get back home and figure out how saying yes will actually fit into your life.
6. Get very detailed with your calendar.
Yes, add the cookie exchange at work to your cal, but you should also add the time you’ll need to bake the cookies the night before, Morton says.
“I don’t think we often consider all of the labor involved in saying ‘yes’ to something. If we’re like, ‘Oh yeah, I’ll go to that potluck party where I not only have to bring a dish, but then I also have to bring a gift that’s $30 or less,’ those things take time,” she explains. “When are you going to go get that gift? When are you going to get the food and make that thing or buy that thing? Having a calendar where you start recognizing travel days or prep days, that really allows you to block off some days for rest so that we don’t overcommit.”
7. Schedule downtime like you schedule everything else.
“We schedule parties and all sorts of other things for our kids and our families. What are you going to do for you? Are we making sure we have downtime?” Morton asks.
If you see two weekends in a row where you’ll be traveling, maybe you set aside the weekends before and after to rest and regroup, for example.
8. Be honest and clear about your holiday budget.
Before you buy anything for anyone, truly sit down and look up the things you want to buy for everyone and get an idea of the cost. Many of Morton’s patients feel stressed over money this time of year — who doesn’t? — and getting real with yourself about what you can afford before you start spending anything can prevent a lot of stress come January, she advises.
9. Journal about what you want this holiday season to be like.
Morton admits this sounds a little therapist-y, but she makes a strong case for why it would help. Getting a clear idea now of whether you want a full and busy or slow, relaxing holiday season helps you say yes and no to the right things. If you’re a people-pleaser, maybe this looks like just making a list of things you won’t do this year.
“Maybe you’re not sending holiday cards this year, or maybe you’re not going to attend every party. Maybe you’re not making six side dishes for that gathering. Put that list out somewhere where you can see it this time of year,” she says.
If you’re someone who visits home and always leaves feeling worse than you did before, it’s worthwhile to journal about why that might be.
“Something that has been helpful for me is to recognize, looking back on old holidays, what role you play in your family and if you want to do that or not,” Morton says. “Are you always the peacekeeper? If you’re the eldest daughter, you’re probably the responsible one running around and doing all those things — do you want to play that role? Whenever you go home for any extensive period of time, even if you’re a full-fledged adult, you revert back into being a teenager and you fall into a specific role that you held. Just noting that ahead of time can save us all the stress of being like, ‘Why is it so horrible every time I’m here?’”
source https://www.scarymommy.com/lifestyle/things-to-do-now-so-the-holidays-arent-such-a-cluster
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