I was raised to be a nice girl, the good girl. The perfect storm of cultural conditioning, conservative Christian upbringing, and being the eldest daughter. Cue Taylor Swift.
Even as a child I was a people pleaser, trying to make sure those around me were happy (and happy with me). This especially took place in my home, where, as I grew older, I constantly felt like I was walking on eggshells, trying to avoid causing conflict and often staying quiet even when things were bothering me.
Adebisi Gbadamosi, licensed therapist and the founder of Mindful Blooms Counseling, says that often how good girls present in childhood, especially in school, is reflected in how they eventually function as adults. “[They] got the label as the teacher’s pet…[They] followed directions the first time,” notes Gbadamosi, “They would say a lot of, ‘I can’t do that.’ And it wasn’t always because they weren’t allowed to do that; they were like, ‘oh, I can’t, that would be wrong, or that would be scary.’”
For me, perfectionist tendencies began to emerge in school as I tried to do everything the “right way.” I was a rule follower. The quiet one who hardly spoke up. But I constantly felt like my efforts weren’t good enough and that I wasn’t good enough.
“Good girls” to “good moms”
I grew into an adult who was uncomfortable with conflict and felt responsible for others' emotions. I suffered from low self-esteem, which didn’t help my plight to stand up for myself against mistreatment, even by people who were supposed to be my friends. Years of keeping my emotions and my opinions stuffed inside stifled my voice and also contributed to my struggles with my mental health. And when I became a mom, it became even more challenging.
Licensed marriage and family therapist Samantha Grimes sees these patterns pop up frequently in her female clients. Especially in moms, who are often so busy taking care of the needs of everyone in their households that they neglect their own. And it is something that she has experienced as well.
“Growing up, there was a lot of ‘take care of other people’s needs before your own.’ I think that led to a lot of people-pleasing, a lot of being treated like a doormat for a while, and a lot of codependency,” says Grimes. “Then as a mom, once I had my kids, they obviously had really strong needs. I also have a disabled child, and she has higher needs as well. I found myself taking care of my kids, taking care of my husband, all of this to the point of burnout.”
Express lane to burnout
Just like I was focused on doing everything in my life “the right way,” I also wanted to do motherhood the right way. And with a tiny human I wanted to not only keep alive, but to thrive, it felt like there was little margin for error. Everyone had strong opinions on the right way to mother, from giving birth to feeding to sleep. And as my daughter grew older, the pressure of being the default parent who cared for most of her needs was overwhelming.
Many of the women Gbadamosi works with initiate therapy when they hit that burnout point, of not knowing who they are outside of what they do as career women and/or as mothers.
“They did what they were supposed to do, but something feels off, whether they don’t feel like they’re at peace, or like they’re missing something,” she says. “They will come in kind of confused and sometimes feeling like they were misled, or even lied to.”
And we were lied to. Because the sexist cultural and religious conditioning to be a good girl that takes on others’ needs and never says no, while great for everyone around us, leads to emotional and physical exhaustion.
Grimes notes that her clients who were raised with the good girl mentality often struggle with:
- Overinflated sense of guilt
- Porous boundaries
- Inability to say no
- Feeling overcommitted
- Frequent fatigue
- Lack of identity
- High anxiety
- Perfectionism
- Irritability
- Building resentment and anger
- Feeling overstimulated
- In more severe cases, substance use and eating disorders
Listen to your body
When I began to recognize these traits myself during my own therapy, I realized that I was spending a lot of time focusing on what others needed or wanted from me to the neglect of my own needs. Grimes believes many moms struggle to identify their own needs and even what their bodies are telling them.
“One of the things I teach is a lot of mindfulness skills to be aware of somatic activation. So noticing, ‘Oh, my chest is tight, or oh, I’m getting really hot,’” says Grimes. “These things are signals of either anxiety, frustration, resentment, or discomfort. Something is happening, and I think a lot of women tune that out.”
She believes learning to check in with ourselves like this can help us address needs or discomfort before they bloom into rage or resentment. Getting practice in saying no is also key to being able to set boundaries for yourself and preserve your sanity.
It can start with the small things. If you don’t have time to volunteer or bake cookies for a class party, you can sign up for cups and napkins or catch the next sign-up (because there is always a next one). Or, if your kids want to go to the park and you are exhausted, you can suggest an alternative activity you can do at home. None of these choices make you a lazy or bad mom.
Ask for (specific) help
As for those things we can’t say no to, or the moments we still feel overwhelmed (because we all have them), we can do our best to enlist help and keep asking for it. Because as much as we want others to recognize that we are drowning and offer to help, sometimes people need direct assignments or requests. We all need a robust support system, which can include therapists, doctors, friends, family members, coworkers, neighbors, childcare providers, and partners.
If your partner is not pulling their weight, the best thing you can do is delegate. Gbadamosi feels this is a good area to tolerate discomfort, which can be challenging for good girls who want to fix everything or have everything just right.
“Being the primary caretaker, there’s the very real thought that if I don’t do this, who’s going to?” says Gbadamosi. “It’s not going to get done, or it may not be at my standard… Do I just do it myself so that it’s done properly, or do I let someone else handle it, and maybe have to redo it?”
Falling back on “I’ll just do it myself” can let weaponized incompetence thrive. After all, your partner won’t learn how to do things if they don’t get practice. Delegating to others can also help build flexibility in our tendency to think there is an exactly right way to do every task, even if it’s uncomfortable in the moment.
Because we are used to managing others’ feelings and avoiding conflict, negative responses to our newly set boundaries, delegating, and no’s can also result in distress and discomfort. Grimes says it’s important to remember that a negative response doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong, but that the person has benefited from you being boundaryless.
“When you’re keeping the peace, you’re sacrificing your own. So, the only person that you’re making comfortable is that other person,” says Grimes, “So, building distress tolerance [is important]... when someone is attacking you for a boundary that you set, or guilting you.”
Raising our girls differently
While I’m still working on short-circuiting those good girl tendencies within myself, I know I don’t want to raise my own daughter with those values. I don’t want her to go through life feeling responsible for others' feelings and hesitant to express her own. I have been intentional about distinguishing between being nice and being kind, and respecting her no’s as much as possible.
With her own daughter, Gbadamosi has tried to have ongoing conversations that encourage her to recognize her inner voice and make decisions that are true to that.
“Remember that toddler stage when they’re always asking why? I try to practice this myself, but asking them, ‘What made you decide to do that?’ And really having that conversation about their reasoning,” says Gbadamosi. “So that way, if they’re starting to [make] decisions out of expectations, instead of it being true to their character, then you can… have the conversations and help them implement healthier boundaries by showing them when it is and isn’t appropriate.”
Grimes also believes it's important to model in our own interactions how we want our daughters to be treated. This includes having them see us set boundaries around our bodies, what we say yes and no to, how we are spoken to, and then how we respond to others when our boundaries aren’t respected.
“It could [also] be increasing empathy. Like, ‘Hey, that person’s upset. Why do you think they’re upset?’” she says, “[Focus on] creating a sense of empathy and understanding without having to fix it. A big part of conflict avoidance is fixing it so that you’re more comfortable.”
source https://www.scarymommy.com/parenting/good-girl-syndrome-mom-burnout
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